Nothing ever prepares you for lightening. Not really. You imagine it. You think about how it would feel. You go so far as to feel your breath catch fire and your heart stop. But when it happens to you, really happens to you, you are never prepared for the burning. Never prepared for the pain.
He haunts my dreams. He has always haunted my dreams. For 23 years his ghost has been my most faithful companion. He found me once. His world had been ravaged by lightening. Through the ashes of his world, he sought me. Found me. And I was angry. He upset my world in ways I was not prepared for. he awoken parts of me that had fallen silent, that slumbered.
Now it's my world on fire. My life in ashes and his ghost comes, swift and true. During the day he is my most trusted confidant. He listens to my fears, my heartache. he wipes my tears and holds me while I shake violently in the midst of this storm.
At night, oh at night he peels back the layers. He breathes me in. He touches me and brings my soul to life. My skin sizzles, and I blossom in the dark, a wet ravenous hungry insatiable thing that wants not just his ghost...his memory...him. Of the heights we never quite reached. The life we almost lived.
I will not seek him in my ashes. I understand now why he sought me in his. I understand the pull. I had no idea how strong it was. How real these ghosts are. But I will not cause the world he carefully rebuilt to be torn asunder once more.
Instead I will burn. I will play this heart ache out until the last drop is bled. I will find myself and I shall dance in the ashes, make love to his ghost and dream about tangled white sheets beneath a roman sky.
And then, I shall rise again.