It's a soul kind of feeling....



She slipped out of her skin with a sigh of relief. It always felt two sizes too small. She felt like she constantly spent her time rearranging and fidgetting, trying to find a more comfortable fit. She felt self-conscious. Not at all at ease. It was always the way when she had to be with people. Pulling on that skin. Finding clothes to wear. Matching, accessorising, grooming. People were always so pre-occupied with covering things up. Hiding. Avoiding. Misrepresenting and distorting. She no longer understood why.

Clothing, masks. Facades. What were they trying to protect themselves from? She asked them once or twice. Always getting the same answer. They didn't want to feel pain. Hurt. It would seem their egos were quite delicate, they bruised easily. Or perhaps it was just that they were under-developed. They hadn't yet achieved that state of awareness yet?

She smiled to herself as she recalled her moment of perception. When clarity cleared the smog from her eyes and her skin just slid away. It was a Tuesday. It was July. The day had been cold. Windy. It hadn't started well at all. She overslept for the first time in her life. The coffee was cold and there was no milk.

The worst part was that Gerald had left. She had let him love her. Worse, let herself love him. She had handed him the power. the power to crush her like a cockroach. And a part of her looked forward to it.

That was the moment. The moment her skin had slid from her body. Science had always told her that she was made of flesh, blood, bone, water. But when her skin slid off, she glowed. Brilliant and illuminatory. She was pure light. And she could fly. She had traded her Ego, for a soul.

She had spent the day just gliding. Glowing and feeling. Senses were hightened without noses, eyes, ears and hands. The world seemed brighter and darker. Tastes were stronger. Touch was everything. Emotions were rawer, pureer, undiluted, naked.

She felt pain on a new level. Like a blanket that envoloped her in a heavy shroud of darkness. But it was beautiful and compelling. It pounded through her. Like a giant iron hot fist. Branding his name on her soul. For that was what she was now. All the pain she had suffered. All the tears she had cried. Made it possible for her soul to grow. Out stripping her skin she was able to be. To exists outside the realm.

She knew things, suddenly. She had bceome an etheral light. Shinning, illuminating her way. In the shadows she saw pain, hurt, revenge, anger, discord and chaos. And they were truly magnificent. Indulgence and lust were breathtaking. And passion. Passion was so much more beautiful than she had ever imagined. Passion without skin was tantalising. It went deeper and further than ever before.

She knew then that her emotions before where base. She had always used words like "love". She didn't know love was really just romance. becasue to really "love" in the true sense of the word, in the soul sense of the word, was to open up that portal to pain. To hurt. To being torn assunder by those you trust with a heart. But she knew now that it couldn't compare to the soul feelings. The soul loves with passion. Because pure love IS pure passion. And the soul doesn't hold it or try to shape it the way the skin does. The skin restricts it. Confines it to boundaries, tries to tame it. Tries to enslave it.

She still wore her skin . For conventions sake. He had pleaded with her, and she had sighed and relented. The skin wasn't so bad. Besides, she knew now that when it got too much. This world of boundaries and niceties. When the skin became to tight, she could just slip it off.

She loved to glow.

2003-03-30 1:06 p.m.